I hate chain email.  

That includes all the many varieties  of chain email.  I hate the danger email chains, the ones that warn you about things that have never happened (such as men lying under your car with knives waiting to slice your ankles or that you should not lick envelopes because spiders will hatch in your mouth).

These are just evil little missives hoping to whip people into a frenzy over imagined urban legends.  When I get this sort of email, I research it and email the true story back to the sender, relieving them of fear, encouraging them not to use the internet to disseminate such ridiculous falsehoods, and cautioning them against being so gullible.  Strangely, no one thanks me for this.

I hate the missing children email, they are almost always hoaxes.  There is never any real information given about where the child disappeared from and the contact emails may not even exist.  

Most of all I hate the good luck/bad luck chains.  The ones that promise wealth and riches if you follow instructions and sure death to you and all whom you love if you fail to pass it on in the specified time allotted or to fewer people than demanded.  

I got this email today.  I think I had different reactions to it than I was supposed to have.

Hope you can send the green dog back to ME!  Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two.     
(a second or two doesn’t sound like reading carefully or thinking but perhaps for these sage words one or two seconds is at least one second longer than they deserve)

1.    I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.  (Smack anyone who tells you this.  It says, I love you not for yourself but for what you can do for me.  Yeah, just lovely.)
2.    No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.   (Does anyone think that tears are a sign of abuse?  Love can make you cry, even when you are happy.  Instead, be happy you love someone enough that you would shed tears for him or her, and be happier if they will take your tears and count them precious.)
3.    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.   (This is a lovely excuse for all sorts of behavior.  I mean really, I could use this line and get away with anything. " Sorry honey that I sold your wedding rings for drug money. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, just that this is the most I can manage to love". )  
4.    A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.    (Well I can go with this alright as long as that reaching hand isn’t reaching for your wallet and the heart touching isn’t an excuse to pretend to miss and touch something else)
5.    The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.   (Okay, this isn’t called missing.  This is called lust, longing, frustration and downright uncomfortable)    
6.    Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile. (Yeah right.  I agree, if you are sad, don’t frown.  You go have a good cry, wail it out baby.  You are under no obligation to keep the world comfortable by being happy for them all the time.)
7.    Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.    (First, if either of you are “wasting” your time on the other, then both need new partners.  If someone is worth your time, it isn’t wasted.)
8.    Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.   (This is too close to the “God is a vengeful God”thing for my taste.  Don’t blame everything on God, He didn’t make those decisions, you did.)
        REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.      (rationalization, clearly)
  True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?        Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!!        You have been Tagged by the Green Dog!  (insert large green dog made up of keyboard characters and say Ruff!!!  This is so cute.  Did I mention that the whole thing is in eye-straining neon colors? )

  You will Have Good Luck For Two Years if you send this to 8 people or more and if this is sent back to you then you are a true friend. (Okay, I am perfectly willing to admit that I don’t have 8 true friends, but apparently the one who sent it to me does not get validation as a true friend unless I burden her inbox with a reply in kind.  I decided that since this is my one true friend that I will just send this back to her 8 times.)
You must send it in 5 minutes or your good luck will run out.  (And just a minute ago, I had two years.  How time flies.  I missed the deadline, needless to say.)