The circus came to town this week.

I hate the circus.

First of all, I don't like clowns. I don't trust them, you never can tell what they are really thinking. Notice all those fake, painted-on expressions? Well, I have to do that every day without the benefit of stage make-up. I have to settle for a little Maybelline and bravado. Remember that movie "Killer Klowns from Outer Space"? Based on a true story, I swear it. Trust me, clowns are evil and very poor actors. Let them try to convince you that bucket is full of water without the floppy shoes and rubber nose. If anyone other than a clown came up to you and dumped a bucket of confetti on you, you'd deck him.

Then there are the elephants. There is, of course, the basic question of the inhumanity of keeping such large creatures in man's small environments and taking them from the natural wild life they are supposed to have by birthright. But beyond this, I have watched enough Real TV to know that there is always the rogue elephant who after years of complacent and servile performance in the entertainment industry decides one day to stampede (usually with some hapless rider on his back) and wreak havoc and death all around. They have probably realized that other celebrities get better PR and luxury accomodations and as they are unable to express their need for a larger dressing room and more perks in any other way, simply trumpet and stomp. Who can blame them?

Worst of all are death-defying acts. I haven't figured out the fun in this part yet. I can't look as people go flying about in the air over my head, hoping that today is not the day gravity will get the best of them. This circus has advertised the Flying Wallendas as a special treat. Really.

I remember that fateful day in 1973. I was innocently watching some television, probably a soap opera, when that serious voice they employ just for these occasions broke into the telecast to say "We interrupt our regular broadcast to bring you this Special Report". Ever notice that "Special Reports" are never good news? When was the last time they broke into a sitcom to announce that the GNP was up or that gas prices were down? So, I should have known better when the video of an old man walking a wire on a windy day began rolling before my eyes; and yet I watched until the faceless voice spoke the words "Karl Wallenda of the Flying Wallendas, 73, fell to his death" and then ... he was gone. He flew well but landed poorly.

I hate that.

So when I drove by the caravans all gathering upon the spot that would host the show, I lied to the children. I told them it was National Camping Day.